When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
