dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
