Someone shit on the floor
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
