Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
