; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
