I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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