i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
