Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
