that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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