hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
