You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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