she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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