dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
