i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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