The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
