I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
