come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
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