Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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