Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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