I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
