Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
My feet surprised me
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
