You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
