i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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