You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
