its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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