Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
