I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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