The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
