Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
