dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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