why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He felt like a one man threesome
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
