TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
