When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
