Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
