my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
The best revenge is premature balding
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Randomize
