i love accidental penises.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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