I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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