respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
