If that was your dad, he is hot
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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