God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
