Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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