tequila makes me forget i have legs
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize