Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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