I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Randomize
