she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
