I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
