Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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