i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
