ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
