I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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