When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I currently don't understand fingers.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
