My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
