Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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