burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
