We named our party play list daddy issues
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
