HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
