Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
